im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
