My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
