he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
