Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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