I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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