my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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