some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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