so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I lost the right to judge tonight
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
