I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
i think i just lost a toe
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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