he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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