are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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