I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
