Your face is a jimmy john
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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