The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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