plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
two words...techno handjob
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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