I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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