You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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