So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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