how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
