I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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