just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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