Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
