she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Randomize
