So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
