party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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