Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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