Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
