operation have a gay friend backfired
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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