Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
