she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Randomize
