A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
