Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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