I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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