What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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