he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
