hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
