About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
