I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
