mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
