He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
