Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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