i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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