we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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