I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
