my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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