Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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