I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Randomize
