all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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