God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
