get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
