I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Randomize
