I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
