I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
